you must show fatigue

You must join all on their own level. Everyone fatigues in due time. You must set the bar at a lower level than you can jump, to decrease expectation and increase the perception of performance. The feeling of weakness, tired, bloating, degradation, erosion, shamefulness, uneasy, distance from locus of control of body, these are all things that are bound to happen to some extent to all forms of life. One must feign these often in order to connect with those around them, but over exaggerate, exonerate, bluff a shitty hand and then show your cards as better than those around you. To show fatigue is such a necessary moment, our common thread of weakness, but always reveal it while holding the rope that is pulling upward, to then elevate from your fatigue, your weakness, your perception that you are the same as others (which you just felt!) and into your reality that you are the only one around you, therefore, you are much better than anything else. You are the pedestal, you created the rope, you are the everything that everyone talks about (of course). But you MUST be able to tactfully show your insides and insights, your ball of destruction and fright, just before you can come up for air.

i can't

I can’t conceive of life as a competition, though I learnedly know it is. Every principle of growth and development, from words to wealth, from plants to personality, from attention to knowledge, they all function on principles of evolutionary economy where competitive entities battle it out for the reproduction of themselves, living or otherwise. Yet I hear of such a thing and I back off. The most beautiful girl in recent memory alludes to others and I run away in my mind. I find something doing well and I stop my hand from reinforcement and move on, turn to something else. I can’t compete, as it only seems to be “trying too hard”, to be “all talk” when really it’s only action that I’m afraid of. My perception of evolution and growth through engaging subjects, opportunities, seems to only come from other sources, as I’m a conduit of forces that I can’t control. To reach out towards what I want has only been fucked in the past, has been a product of misperceptions and miscalculations. To sit and soak forces that come at me is to acquiesce to competition while not engaging it. The bottom line is who fucks who, I guess, who produces the word at the end of the paragraph. Ultimately, I write these words, but I don’t pretend to know where they came from or claim that I created them. For I can’t.